I'd Rather Be Dead
by wintersommoursvolturi
Summary: "I'm sorry, my love..." He placed one hand on each of Koschei's hearts and leaned in close, eyes burning again. "I'm so sorry. I don't know if I can..." Trust you? Save you? Love you?


**Alright! Here is the short, nonrelated oneshot I wrote! The friend who wrote half of LMD also wrote half of this. We were bored and texting so we broke each other's hearts. I'm not gonna lie, I cried while editing and rewriting this. I hope you all enjoy! **

**Disclaimer: **

**Koschei: *big mess of tears, rolling around on the floor* S-She…doesn't…OOOWWWWNNN! *breaks down***

Koschei dragged himself up to the TARDIS, having just gotten out of the void. He's tired and in pain, and full of enough self-loathing to fill a galaxy. With a sigh, he knocked four times on the door and waited, hoping the Doctor would forgive him.

"'O could that be?" Donna asked, looking up from the console. The Doctor froze, his hand stopping on a lever; his ears perked and his jaw opened slightly. He knew that sound. "Friend of yours, Spaceman?"

"No, not really a friend," he babbled, "Well, a friend once, but not really now; now, a...I don't even know what now is considered."

"MORE than a friend?" she asked, mouth falling open in shock. "And not that Rose of yours?" Koschei groaned in pain slightly, leaning heavily against the door as he waited. Please don't ignore me, he thought desperately. It hurt so much.

The Doctor walked slowly to the door, his hands shaking against his own judgment, his body disobeying him yet again. "Donna, stay back; this man is dangerous-probably not at the moment, but..."

"No way," she protested, and he held his hand out, clenching his teeth and shouting,

"Stay back, Donna!"

"Right, yeah, right..." She backed up against the console slowly before going around and ducking behind it. Koschei heard the yelling and whimpered slightly, his head leaning against the side of the TARDIS as he waited. He bit his lip, watching the door and willing it to open. The Doctor knew what was behind the door-_who_ was behind that door, and what that person meant to him. Regardless, as much as he willed his hands not to move, they defied him, and he opened the door regardless. Koschei nearly fell down but righted himself, wobbling on his feet. He looked up at the Doctor brokenly, his eyes watering and desperate.

"Shh, slow down, I've got you..." The Doctor grabbed the other Time Lord by the waist, lowering him down onto the floor of the TARDIS. It was selfish; just to have him in his arms again. He placed his chin on the top of the Master's head and held him tightly. "I've got you..." Koschei wrapped his arms around the Doctor's neck and held himself close, his body shaking with repressed sobs. He waited with a bated breath to be pushed away and out, to be rejected and hated in the way he knew he deserved. "You're alright," he whispered, kissing the top of the Master's head in spite of himself. His eyes began to sting and he held the other closer-closer, closer. "You're safe..."

"T-Theta," he whimpered, his voice broken and laced with tears. Instead of saying anything else, he just tightened his hold and nuzzled the Doctor's neck.

"Shh, I've got you...you're okay." The Doctor said it now more to convince himself than Kocshei. He stroked the Master's hair slowly. Koschei let out a choked sob and then the dam broke. Heavy sobs wracked his body as he cried into the Doctor's neck, squeezing his eyes shut.

"Shh...shh..." He rocked him gently, like a child, and held him like something precious, something he couldn't let go. "Donna..." His voice shook. "Get bandages from the med-ward. Quickly..." Koschei still sobbed, barely noticing the cuts and bruises all over his body as he clinged to the Doctor like he's going to disappear. "Let's get you fixed up, my love," he whispered, helping Koschei to his feet and moving him towards the bathroom. About halfway there, Donna met up with him. "Thank you...off to bed, then, Donna." She opened her mouth to protest, but then closed it with a shake of her head as she left to her room. Koschei held onto him, leaning into him and barely noticing the strange, ginger-haired girl. The Doctor felt guilty for treating Donna like a child, but that hardly mattered as he pulled the Master into the bathroom and locked the door.

Koschei looked up at him, keeping his arms wrapped around his neck. "I-I...the v-void...drums...h-help me...need you," he stammered, his head cloudy as he tried to string together a proper sentence.

"Hush," he ordered softly, "Sit down." Theta didn't know what to trust anymore, what to believe; the Master changed with passing fads. What was the trend now? No, he couldn't...He was Koschei, he was hurt...

Koschei nodded and shakily sat down on the toilet lid, holding the Doctor's hands tightly as his own shake.

"Sit still," he muttered, slowly cleaning out the Master's wounds. "It may sting a bit..." Koschei was so broken; so many scars, so many cuts and bruises. Theta could have just sent him to the med ward, but this was a reminder...and excuse to touch. "Your shirt..." He cleared his throat and gesticulated awkwardly. "Off..." Koschei's cheeks coloured slightly and he pulled off his shirt, wincing at the tension on his cuts as he did so. He bit his lip and looked at the ground. "You're so shy," Theta commented thoughtfully as he cleaned a cut stretching across the other's chest, "Just like old times." His eyes narrowed. "What're you planning?"

Koschei looked up, his eyes sincere and hurt. "I'm not planning anything. I-I just...everything hurts. I'm sane now, but it still hurts." Theta caught the sincerity and chuckled bitterly to himself.

"I'm sorry, my love..." He placed one hand on each of Koschei's hearts and leaned in close, eyes burning again. "I'm so sorry. I don't know if I can..." _Trust you? Save you? Love you?_

He swallowed thickly and nodded, keeping his eyes locked on the Doctor's. Koschei leaned in slightly like he can't help himself. The Doctor brought their mouths together slowly, taking the Master's lips between his own and breathing his golden energy into him-giving up ten years of his own life to heal the Master's wounds; it would come back and kick him in the end, he knew, at thirteen, but he wasn't there yet. He had time. Koschei's eyes widened as he realized what was happening, but the golden energy held him hostage, and all he could do is kiss him back deeply, forcing years of apologies into him. The Doctor pulled back slowly, running his hands down the Master's healed skin. "Slow, love," he breathed, huon particles still floating from his mouth.

"Y-you...you just gave me ten years of your life. Why?" He rested his forehead against Theta's.

"You were hurt," he replied, as if it were obvious. He tapped Koschei's nose and tried to smile. "It's only ten years."

"That could change so much." Koschei bit his lip and looked down. After a moment, he looked up at him and kissed him again. The Doctor smiled, pushing just a little more of his life into him; just five years more. To keep him healthy. Koschei pulled back slightly. "Stop doing that."

"Make me," he replied with a joking grin, taking his hand. _Prove you won't hurt me_. "Take me to bed."

Koschei's eyes widened and he nodded slowly, licking his lips and standing slowly. He squeezed his hand. "Lead the way." He did so, leading Koschei into the bedroom and locking the door behind them: trust. Stretching out on the bed, he shot the other Time Lord a grin. Koschei looked at him nervously before crawling on top of him and kissing him deeply but gently, letting his eyes shut lightly. At this, he smiled, wrapping his thin arms around Koschei's neck and kissing him just as gently, as slowly, letting his mind rest and instinct begin to take control. He deepens the kiss slightly, letting his tongue lightly trace the seam of Theta's lips. With a soft chuckle, Theta opened his mouth, drawing the other's tongue in gently.

Koschei moaned quietly, massaging Theta's tongue with his own. His hands started to deftly unbutton Theta's suit. How long had it been since Theta had felt those hands slide along his torso like this? Centuries? How had he ached for this long and not gone absolutely mad? He arched is body slightly, letting out a soft groan: quiet, and a bit high-pitched, but far too raspy to be feminine. Koschei smiled slightly at the sound. It had been far too long since he has seen his Theta groaning beneath him, and the fact that it was happening again caused his hands to speed up. He pulled off Theta's shirt and ran his hands over his chest, letting his nails drag slightly. "_Ohh_," Theta whispered, his eyes slipping shut. He purred and his lips curved upwards, only slightly. Koschei chuckled slightly and began to pepper soft kisses down his neck. Theta hummed in approval, smirking lightly. To give his lover a jolt, he wrapped his legs around Koschei's waist and suddenly, and very forcefully jerked him closer. He jumped slightly and moaned, raising his head to look down at Theta with wide eyes. Then, Koschei smirked and grinded against him.

This time, Theta jumped, his eyes rolling into the back of his head; it had been far too long-he was too sensitive. He wouldn't last. Koschei pulled back slightly and unbuttoned Theta's trousers, trying to get them off as quickly as possible. Theta flopped his legs uselessly in order to get them off faster, but no avail. He opened his mouth in an attempt to speak: speechless. He finally pushed down Theta's trousers and pants, nibbling on his neck as he reached for his own. As he lied there, defenseless, Theta realized that he should have been frightened. Yet, as hard as he tried to be afraid, he couldn't. Koschei pulled off the rest of his own clothes and leaned down, kissing Theta lovingly. Koschei was being so soft, so gentle...how could Theta dare to be afraid? He gasped softly as their bodies met, the sensation nearly too much for him to bear.

Koschei figured that for this time, he should do a slightly different approach. So, instead of reaching for any lube, he reached down and wrapped his hand around both of them. "Oh!" Theta's mouth fell open, and he struggled to catch his breath, knotting his fingers into Koschei's hair. His breath hitched as he kissed Theta's neck, moving his hand slowly. A low moan escaped him and his hips moved slightly. Theta cried out, a real sound escaping his throat for the first time since they made it to the bedroom, not just a gasp or a heavy sigh. Koschei pumped his hand, small whimpers and cries escaping him as he moved his hips with his hand. Theta whimpered, hips jerking slowly and lazily to draw this out, to not come first, although he knew he would. Koschei tightened his hand around them slightly and cries out, grinding hard against both his hand and Theta.

With a loud gasp, Theta was done, spilling onto their hands and falling back, unable to move. One more pump and Koschei was finished too, releasing a strangled moan into Theta's neck as he collapsed against him. He panted softly, glancing at Koschei and laughing breathlessly. He licked his thumb, wiping a smudge of release from the other's cheek. "There you go, love," he breathed, smiling.

He smiled breathlessly and kissed him softly. "I love you." The words grabbed Theta by the heart, squeezing, and the color drained from his face. The last time anyone said those words to him. Guilt. Rose. Oh, God, Rose...He couldn't. He shouldn't have. He buried his face in his hands tried to breath, but couldn't. Koschei's smile fell slightly as he waited for a reply, his hearts dropping. Theta's hearts, on the other hand, were breaking. Crumbling inside of him and rotting his other organs. This wasn't...She was gone. He knew she was gone, but he simply...couldn't let go. He loved her; he loved her so, so much-more than he had loved anyone in a long time. When Koschei realized that he was not going to get a reply, his smile dropped completely, his hearts shattering as he stared at Theta.

Theta began to cry, tugging at his hair and holding his breath. Koschei was tearing him in one direction (Koschei who used to hurt him, hurt the people he loved), and Rose was ripping him in another (Rose, who was kind, so, so kind, and clever, and beautiful all the time, inside and out). Wordlessly, Koschei pulled The-the Doctor into his arms, hugging him and fighting his own tears. His own happiness didn't matter, it never had. But the Doctor is emotionally hurt and needed comfort. He needed to know that it doesn't matter, it was okay if he didn't love him. Koschei wouldn't love himself either. The Doctor pushed him away. It was too soon; too soon for anything. He just wanted a mate-and he HAD that. He had Donna. He couldn't handle anything more complicated than that right now. It was too soon since Rose, too soon since the year that never was...All he wanted was to escape love, just for a bit, until he could recover.

He falls next to him, the tears he was trying to repress spilling over.

Koschei didn't take his eyes off of the man he loved, the drums pounding loudly in his head as he tried not to drown in the sadness he felt. He felt used and betrayed, even though he shouldn't. But it felt like the Doctor dangled his happiness in front of him and then ripped it away violently. And it hurt. Could he never have happiness?

It seemed as though every decision Theta made was going to hurt him. And he was sick of hurting. He looked down at his body-he felt cheap. Koschei was _making_ him feel cheap. And easy, and worthless. This wasn't love anymore. "You don't love me," he muttered into his hands.

"Of course I do!" he replied immediately, furrowing his brows in confusion and hurt. "I love you more than anything in the universe. Always."

"No you don't," he spat bitterly, "You're just doing what you always do; you come in and pretend you're sorry, just so you can be fixed and pleasured before leaving again because you know I can't turn you down."

"B-but...you told me to...I was just...I love you." His voice was shaky with tears as he watched him.

"Did you ever?" he demanded, "_Could_ you ever? No. I'm just a buffer; I take the pain so you don't have to. And don't you dare look at me like it's not true." Yes, he started it. But couldn't the Master see that it was all a test? To see if he cared? Because he didn't. "You weren't as..._careful_ with my body as you thought you had been."

"I-I...hurt you?" He looked at the Doctor like a wounded puppy, small whimpers escaping him as he cried quietly. "I j-just wanted to p-please you..."

"Does this look pleased?" He gestured to newly blooming bruises along his torso, most of them already dark violet and black. And suddenly, he felt terrible, because the Master actually looked _hurt_, but that couldn't be...

His eyes widened in horror as he looked at the bruises, his mouth falling open. He had no memory of doing anything like that, but he must have. Koschei scrambled off of the bed and pulled on his clothes, not caring that they didn't look right and were dirty. "I-I...I should've stayed dead. Oh god..." He let out a small sob and ran from the room and out of the TARDIS, looking for a way to make things right.

_Don't do anything reckless_, the Doctor's brain shouted back at him, _You may not care for me, but you've got to be aware that I still love you. Just stay safe._ Koschei ran around, sobbing loudly before finally stopping at the edge of a cliff. He looked down at the rough waters and the sharp, jagged rocks. _Don't you hear me?! _the Doctor screamed into the Master's brain, _Be careful! Calm your mind and LISTEN TO ME!_

Koschei did hear him, but it didn't matter. _I hurt you! I didn't want to but I did! I don't deserve to stay alive. And I don't want to._

_Of course you do! Now listen to me, please! _he begged, _Why should you care that you hurt me now when you've done it so many times before?! Stop being an idiot!_

_Because the Master is the one that hurt you! I'm Koschei! I love you! I would never hurt you but I did and I'll never forgive myself!_

_You're one in the same and I still love you, but it hurts! Everything hurts! Stop making me love you because it's painful!_

_You couldn't say it back, and that's okay! You shouldn't love me! I'm not worth it! Just let me die and you can move on with your life and be happy!_

_Go ahead! Jump! Destroy me! See if I care! Rip something else out of me, why don't you?! How about you and Rose meet up?! Then you can both tear my hearts out! Together!_

_Who the hell is Rose?! I'm trying to make you happy! I came here for your forgiveness and love, and you took me to bed and kicked me out! You don't love me and you don't care, so just let me die!_

_Don't be an idiot! Of course I love you! I just...can't! Not yet! Not now!_

_Oh, you and Rose'd be great friends! You've got one heart and she's got the other! You're both tearing me apart!_

_I'm not trying to! Just tell me what to do to make you happy!_

_Don't die, that's for one!_ _Just give me time! Let me be!_

_I have nowhere to go!_

_Yes, you do! With me!_ Koschei's own memories were hurting them. _Just...just come back! _He needed to save him, to make him forget, to destroy the drums. And he could. It would hurt-more than anything...but he needed to be saved. Koschei looked over the cliff one last time before running back into the TARDIS, unsure of what to do. The Doctor threw the doors open, and flew into Koschei's arms. He tried to smile. "I'm sorry...I'm sorry, I love you."

His eyes widened and he held him close, kissing his head and burying his face in his hair. "I love you too. I'm so, so, so sorry. For everything."

"Hush, hush, it's fine," he whispered, keeping the Master's head in his shoulder as he backtracked into the TARDIS. He looked up at the Chameleon Arch. "I should be the one apologizing..."

"You've done nothing wrong, my love. Oh god, I love you so, so much. You perfect, brilliant man."

"I've done everything wrong..." He shuffled Koschei into the correct position and held him tightly as the Chameleon Arch slowly lowered onto his head. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, my love."

"Theta? What are you doing?" His eyes widened and he struggled, trying to escape. "No, no! Please! Don't make me forget you! I love you!" Tears streamed down his face as he struggled.

"It's the only way to save you...I'm sorry...The more you struggle, the more it'll hurt you." He wiped his eyes and stepped back. "I'm sorry, my love..."

He stopped struggling and watched Theta brokenly, betrayal easy to see in his eyes. "I'd rather be dead than forget about you, Theta Sigma. I love you." With that, the machine turned on, Koschei screaming in pain as his biology was rewritten. After a minute or two, the process finally ended, and the Doctor tried his best not to cry. He knelt down and picked up the pocketwatch, turning it over in his hands.

The Doctor steered the TARDIS to a distant time period; America, 1910, and finally awoke the Master once he brought him outside and stretched him out in the grass. "Harold." He shook his sleeping body gently. "Harold. Mr. Saxon..."

Harold grumbled as he waked up, rubbing his eyes. He came face to face with a handsome brown haired man and blushed slightly. "Who are you?"

"Nobody," the man replied quickly, hearts shattering, "You fell. On that hill down yonder. I brought you back to your home, sir."

"Oh, thank you, sir. Must've hit my head." He rubbed the back of it thoughtfully and sits up. "Say, what's the year?"

"Why, it's nineteen-ten in Rochester, New York," he replied, "This is downtown."

"Oh yes, of course!" Harold climbed to his feet and stretched. "Thank you for your help, Mr...?"

"Smith, John Smith-now, if you'll excuse me, I must be off..." He walked off briskly, blinking back another onslaught of tears, holding the pocket watch close to his chest. Harold smiled at the kind stranger and turned, walking happily into his house that, of course, was his, and never thought of the man again.


End file.
